


This is how I remember our break up

by cantfuckinbelievethis (orphan_account)



Series: One-shots [4]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 5x12, Angst, Flashback, M/M, Memories, Technically?, canon break up fic, i cried doing this, lots and lots of angst, technically ian is the only character in this but mickey is mentioned heaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7076737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/cantfuckinbelievethis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Totally inspired by the video "This is Where We Broke Up" from Buzzfeed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goHJRI0zusI </p>
<p>(Ian's POV of the break up)</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is how I remember our break up

_This is how I remember our break up._   
  
_A year ago today you run to me from your house._   
_When you arrive, you know everything is wrong and I know everything is wrong, but neither of us are really going to say anything._   
_I feel empty inside,_   
_even when you step closer, that love in you that I craved for so long._   
_I’m immediately annoyed by the look on your face. Like I’m some kind of charity case or lost cause. Like I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through all my shit._   
_You ask me where I’ve been and I don’t look at you as I answer._   
_You ask if I’m okay, as per usual, and for some reason that infuriates me, as per usual._   
_Am I okay? No one will ever let me say I’m okay, so who the fuck knows?_   
_I don’t answer because it doesn’t matter, really, does it?_   
_Now when I think about what you look like I remember you no closer than eight feet away, staring at me with that sad, disappointed look. I’m not everything I promised you I would be. What I can never seem to remember is that you just wanted to help me, and you love me. I was everything you wanted._   
_Now that I know that and remember that, it makes remembering this…a lot harder._   
_We then talk about my meds, about how you won’t be with me if I don’t take them, and I say that you used to love me. You tell me you do and what that means, and I mock you._   
_You say, ‘Fuck you’ the way I’ve heard thousands of times before._   
_Suddenly, I remember the first moment you really let me in. When you looked at me the way you’re looking at me then — scared and terrified, but with so much fucking love._   
_This is the moment I almost don’t do it. It’s the moment I almost feel something._   
_But before that look can stop me again, I look away before saying ‘No, thanks, I’ve already done that’._   
_You go silent for a moment as your eyes scan every inch of my face, trying to get an idea about how I’m feeling._   
_Damn it, you’re so beautiful it still hurts to think about it._   
_You say ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’_   
_And now my heart is sinking because now I’m remembering all the reasons I fell for you in the first place._   
_All the memories and moments that make me regret everything I did or have done._   
_Finally my anxiety boils up out of me: ‘Too much is wrong with me, and you can’t do anything about that, you can’t change it. You can’t fix me, because I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed, okay? I’m me!’_   
_And we’re standing here staring at each other for what feels like an eternity._   
_Finally, I’m turned away when you say, ‘This is it. This is you breaking up with me.’_   
_I say back, ‘Yeah.’_   
_I don’t then, but I want to say now that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it like this. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it at all._   
_But then follows the loudest moment of silence I have ever had to go through._   
_You say, ‘Really?’_   
_‘Fuck.’_   
_And it seems to sum up and finish off our whole relationship in a couple of syllables._   
_We stand there in silence for a few more moments before you decide to leave._   
_We don’t hug or kiss or touch at all._   
_You just give me a look and walk back where you came from._   
_You’ve walked away from me so many times and I’ve always fought to get you back._   
_Now I think about it and I wish I hadn’t let you go._   
_I can’t count how many times I’ve sat on my porch and replayed that conversation in my head._   
_Rewriting the things I wish I had said, regretting the things I didn’t give you a chance to say, wishing I had told you sooner what I needed and that I love you, and wondering if maybe you still did love me as much as you said._   
_I guess I wish it had gone differently._   
  
_I guess I wish you were still here._

**Author's Note:**

> That Buzzfeed video totally made me cry and I realised I had to write a short thing for Ian. I need more Ian POV break up fics, someone recommend me some!! 
> 
> PS. Yes I cut out the ridiculous Sammi chasing Mickey ending because:   
> 1\. Wouldn't have gone with the tone of the fic.   
> 2\. Dumb scene.   
> 3\. I want Mickey to go off and live his life.   
> 4\. Mickey post-break up in this fic is totally different to canon, even though I'm not going to show it because this won't be continued but I'm imagining it.


End file.
